Your 10-year-old has left their sandwich, backpack, and sweatshirt at school for the fourth time this month. You get a call asking you to go pick them up. What do you do?

Why this situation matters

The possible answers

Tap the option you would choose

• A

  Go and get everything yet again (with a sigh)

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Repeatedly going to pick up your child's forgotten items deprives them of the opportunity to learn from their forgetfulness. This can lead to excessive dependence and hinder the development of their own organizational skills, as the responsibility always falls on the adult.
• B

  Let them go without their sweatshirt for the afternoon, and they can pick it up tomorrow

  Ideal answer. Why this is the ideal answer: Allowing the child to experience the natural consequences of their actions encourages responsibility and autonomy. This helps them learn from their mistakes without feeling punished, which is fundamental for developing a sense of personal competence.
• C

  Give them a monumental telling-off in the car

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: A monumental telling-off generates fear or resentment, but it barely teaches the child to be more responsible. It's a reaction that makes them 'shut down' and often worsens the relationship, focusing on external control instead of self-regulation.
• D

  Put a note in their backpack for the teacher

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Putting a note for the teacher so the child picks up their things, though well-intentioned, bypasses the child's direct interaction with the consequences of their action. It doesn't allow them to manage the situation themselves or feel the impact of their forgetfulness, interrupting autonomous learning.

What the experts say

• Adele Faber y Elaine Mazlish

  Parent communication experts

  “Natural consequences allow children to learn without lectures or punishment, strengthening their sense of capability.”

• Daniel Siegel

  Neuropsychiatrist and parenting expert

  “The key is to guide children to reflect on their actions and their consequences, fostering integration and awareness, not blind punishment.”

• Alfie Kohn

  Educator and critic of rewards/punishments

  “Children become more responsible when they feel ownership over their actions, not when they are forced to obey.”

Devil's advocate