On weekends at your in-laws', your partner turns into a different person and lets things slide that they wouldn't tolerate during the week. The children notice. You...

Why this situation matters

The possible answers

Tap the option you would choose

• A

  Correct them yourself in front of everyone

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Intervening directly in front of your in-laws and children undermines your partner's authority and creates an atmosphere of tension and embarrassment. Far from seeing order, children perceive a lack of respect between the adults and a potential parental disunity.
• B

  Discuss it privately and agree on a common baseline

  Ideal answer. Why this is the ideal answer: Addressing discrepancies in private and setting clear boundaries as parents models effective communication and problem-solving. This provides children with security and predictability, as they see their main caregivers presenting a united front, even if it requires prior discussion.
• C

  Keep quiet to avoid a scene

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Staying quiet to avoid immediate conflict sends an implicit message that it's okay to ignore contradictions or that they can't be resolved. Children perceive inconsistency, which confuses them and teaches them that avoiding problems is a valid strategy, potentially leading to long-term resentment in the partnership.
• D

  Stop going to your in-laws' house

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Avoiding family gatherings is a short-term solution that doesn't address the root problem of parental consistency. Besides losing contact with extended family, children don't see their parents confronting and resolving a conflict, but rather running from it.

What the experts say

• John Gottman

  Psychologist, relationship expert

  “The key to a successful marriage is not to avoid conflict, but to learn to manage it constructively.”

• Diana Baumrind

  Developmental psychologist

  “Authoritative parents set clear limits and engage in dialogue, fostering children's autonomy and social competence.”

• Daniel Siegel

  Neuropsychiatrist and parenting expert

  “When parents are consistent and predictable, a child's brain develops a secure attachment, essential for their emotional well-being.”

Devil's advocate

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