Your partner good-naturedly tells you, "You don't realise it, but you're on your phone all the time when you're with the kids." You wrack your brain... they're right. You...

Why this situation matters

The possible answers

Tap the option you would choose

• A

  “Well, so are you, don't think you're not!”

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: This response deflects attention from the main problem and creates a 'you too' dynamic. The typical effect on the relationship is an escalation of conflict, and on the children, a lesson in how to avoid taking personal responsibility.
• B

  “You're right, I need to set some limits for myself too.”

  Ideal answer. Why this is the ideal answer: Acknowledging a mistake and committing to correcting it demonstrates maturity and self-awareness. This response not only strengthens the relationship by validating your partner's concern, but also sets a responsible example for your children.
• C

  You get offended and stop talking to them for a day.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Getting offended and withdrawing communication is a passive-aggressive avoidance strategy. The child learns that criticism is managed with silence and distance, which can undermine trust and family communication in the long run.
• D

  You deny it and carry on as before.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Denying the evidence and persisting in the behaviour signals inflexibility and a lack of self-criticism. It maintains the problem and models denial as a strategy for facing challenges, which can lead children to ignore their own mistakes.

What the experts say

• John Gottman

  Relationship researcher

  “The key to a happy marriage is each partner’s ability to accept influence from the other.”

• Albert Bandura

  Psychologist, creator of Social Learning Theory

  “Most social learning occurs through observing models.”

• Daniel J. Siegel

  Neuropsychiatrist and author

  “Attunement and the repair of ruptures are vital for secure and healthy connection.”

Devil's advocate

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