Your 10-year-old daughter has been staring at her homework for an hour, doing nothing. She asks for your help. You...

Why this situation matters

The possible answers

Tap the option you would choose

• A

  Do it for her; she has an exam tomorrow.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Doing her homework sends the message that you are responsible and that she is not capable. This undermines her self-confidence and ability to face challenges, creating an unhealthy dependence.
• B

  Explain the first problem and then let her continue on her own.

  Ideal answer. Why this is the ideal answer: Moderate support teaches frustration management and fosters autonomy. Offering initial guidance allows your daughter to learn to identify the starting point and solve problems herself, thereby developing her skills and self-confidence.
• C

  "Sort it out yourself, it's YOUR homework."

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Leaving her alone with such a harsh statement, especially when she's asking for help, can generate anxiety, resentment, and the feeling that her difficulty isn't important. Emotional disconnection hinders learning.
• D

  "Leave it, you can talk to the teacher about it tomorrow."

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Avoiding the problem and shifting responsibility to the teacher prevents her from learning to manage frustration and find solutions. Furthermore, it can leave her feeling abandoned when facing a problem.

What the experts say

• Wendy S. Grolnick

  Professor of Psychology, Clark University

  “Well-calibrated support, which offers autonomy and structures the task, is key to intrinsic motivation; excessive control or a complete lack of involvement sabotages it.”

• Lawrence Steinberg

  Professor of Psychology, Temple University

  “Authoritative parents balance warmth and control, setting clear limits and providing help when necessary, but always with the goal of autonomy.”

• Alfie Kohn

  Educator and author

  “Help shouldn't be about the child 'getting things right', but about them learning. This means support that is gradually withdrawn.”

Devil's advocate

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