Your child tells you they don't like your ex's new partner. You...

Why this situation matters

The possible answers

Tap the option you would choose

• A

  Listen to them, validate their feelings, and don't attack the person.

  Ideal answer. Why this is the ideal answer: Listening and validating your child's emotions teaches them that their feelings are important and that they can trust you. According to Murray Bowen, this fosters self-differentiation, allowing the child to manage their emotions without them becoming an additional burden. Furthermore, it avoids escalating parental conflict.
• B

  Take advantage of the situation and badmouth the new partner.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Badmouthing your ex's new partner to your child places them in an unsustainable conflict of loyalties. This damages their sense of security and can lead to resentment towards you in the medium term, by turning them into an involuntary 'messenger' or 'ally'.
• C

  Tell your child to 'suck it up' or 'deal with it'.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Telling a child to 'suck it up' or 'deal with' their feelings teaches them to suppress their emotions and minimizes their emotional experience. In the long run, this can lead to problems with self-expression and reduced trust in you, as they don't feel understood. Emotion avoidance is detrimental to attachment.
• D

  Call your ex to give them an earful.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Calling your ex to give them an earful about how your child feels redirects energy towards useless parental conflict. This does not resolve the child's discomfort and often hardens parental positions, which only worsens the environment for the child. According to John Gottman, criticism is one of the Four Horsemen of the Relational Apocalypse.

What the experts say

• E. Mavis Hetherington

  Developmental Psychologist, Divorce Expert

  “The most important factor in children's adjustment to divorce is the quality of the post-breakup relationship between the parents, especially the absence of continuous conflict.”

• Murray Bowen

  Psychiatrist, Developer of Family Systems Theory

  “Differentiation is an individual's ability to maintain their sense of self while in emotional contact with others.”

• John Gottman

  Psychologist, Relationship Researcher

  “Criticism and contempt are poisons to any relationship, including co-parenting.”

Devil's advocate

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