Your child's teacher tells you your 6-year-old bit another child. When you ask him at home, he says, 'He took my pencil.' You...

Why this situation matters

The possible answers

Tap the option you would choose

• A

  Punish him by cancelling park visits for a week.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Punishment without a conversation about the reasons and alternatives might suppress the behavior in the short term, but it doesn't teach the child to manage their frustration or resolve conflicts constructively. Jay Belsky would point out that it can generate resentment rather than learning. It might lead the child to hide future incidents out of fear.
• B

  Discuss what he felt and what he could do instead of biting.

  Ideal answer. Why this is the ideal answer: An authoritative approach allows the child to explore the causes of their behavior and learn more appropriate conflict resolution strategies. It focuses on teaching and understanding, not just stopping the aggression. The child feels heard and guided.
• C

  Say, 'Well, the other child started it.'

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Directly validating aggression without addressing the impact or alternatives sends a message that biting is justified if the other child 'starts it.' This makes it difficult for the child to develop empathy and skills for proactively resolving disagreements, as Adele Faber states in 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.' The child doesn't learn to take responsibility.
• D

  Go to school and demand your child be moved to a different class.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Assuming the problem is external to the child and demanding a change of environment without first addressing the behavior with them prevents both you and your child from facing and resolving the behavior. It hinders their development of resilience and adaptability in difficult situations, and it doesn't teach them boundaries or personal responsibility. John Bowlby would emphasize the importance of a secure attachment that allows the child to explore and learn with your support, not to run from challenges.

What the experts say

• Diana Baumrind

  Developmental Psychologist

  “Authoritative parents balance demandingness with warmth, fostering autonomy and social competence.”

• Dan Siegel

  Child Neuropsychiatrist

  “Helping children understand their emotions (name it to tame it) is key to regulating their behavior and building their social skills.”

• Richard E. Tremblay

  Aggression Researcher

  “The key to reducing childhood aggression is early intervention and teaching prosocial skills.”

Devil's advocate

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