Your older child (12) tells you privately: "You're always softer with my sister." They have a point. You...

Why this situation matters

The possible answers

Tap the option you would choose

• A

  "That's not true, I treat you both the same."

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Denying their experience invalidates their emotions and might lead them to keep future concerns to themselves. The child learns that their perception isn't worth listening to, eroding trust.
• B

  Acknowledge what you see and ask for examples.

  Ideal answer. Why this is the ideal answer: Validating their perception opens a dialogue and allows you to understand the 'complaint' as an unmet need. A curious and empathetic approach helps the child feel heard and strengthens your bond.
• C

  You get angry: "You're always complaining."

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Getting angry shifts the focus from the problem to their behavior, teaching them that expressing their feelings is dangerous. This suppresses communication and doesn't address their potential feeling of injustice.
• D

  Compensate by buying them a gift.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Compensating with a gift teaches them to manipulate or that their emotions are 'fixed' with material things, without addressing the underlying problem. It doesn't resolve their perception of unequal treatment and can create more resentment between siblings.

What the experts say

• Haim Ginott

  Child psychologist

  “The key to good communication with children is to respect them, to listen to their feelings and to respond to them as if they were true, because for them, they are.”

• Alfred Adler

  Psychoanalyst

  “Children misbehave because they feel discouraged or because their need for belonging has not been met. Often, a complaint about favoritism is a sign that they are looking for their place.”

• Daniel Siegel

  Neuropsychiatrist

  “Validating a child's feelings doesn't mean agreeing with their behavior, but acknowledging their internal experience. This is fundamental for regulating their emotions and strengthening their resilience.”

Devil's advocate

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