Your teenager wants to quit a sport they've been doing for six years. You...

Why this situation matters

The possible answers

Tap the option you would choose

• A

  "No way, you're finishing the season."

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Cutting off dialogue with a 'no way' undermines the teenager's sense of autonomy, generating resentment and passivity. They might learn to submit to external authority instead of developing their own internal motivation.
• B

  Together you explore why and what they would do instead.

  Ideal answer. Why this is the ideal answer: Autonomy is fostered through exploration and reasoning. Giving teenagers space to express their motivations and seek alternatives helps them develop self-regulation, a key pillar of self-determination, according to Deci and Ryan.
• C

  "Okay, quit."

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: A mere 'okay, quit' seemingly respects autonomy but offers no scaffolding for reflection or the search for alternative solutions. There's a risk that the teenager learns to give up at the first sign of difficulty instead of managing their decisions.
• D

  You hire a coach for them to get motivated.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Paying for a coach without the teenager expressing a desire for one, or for exploring their motivation, is a form of covert control. It negates their ability to make genuine decisions and seeks to solve a problem perceived by the parent, not by the child themselves.

What the experts say

• Richard Ryan

  Co-founder, Self-Determination Theory (SDT)

  “Autonomy is not total independence, but the experience of being the origin of one's own actions.”

• Laurence Steinberg

  Professor of Psychology, Temple University

  “Good parental scaffolding involves supporting individuation without abandoning involvement.”

• Daniel Siegel

  Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, UCLA

  “Validating the adolescent's internal experience is crucial for their brain development.”

Devil's advocate

Related questions

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  Andamiaje gradual > burbuja o abandono.

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  Autonomía con marco temporal, no autonomía absoluta.

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• Your 16-year-old daughter wants to go Interrailing with two friends over the summer. Three countries, 15 days.

  Autonomía 16+ = planificación conjunta, no prohibición.