Your mother-in-law makes a hurtful comment about you in front of your partner. Your partner says nothing at the time. You...
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Take the Couple Test →Why this situation matters
Feeling unsupported by your partner, especially when a family member makes a hurtful comment, can be a deeply unsettling experience. It often leaves you questioning your partner's loyalty and commitment, and can erode the foundational trust that healthy relationships are built upon. This situation touches upon core needs for validation and protection within a partnership, and how these needs are met or unmet can profoundly impact your sense of security and belonging. This isn't just about a single incident; it's about the patterns of interaction that shape the emotional landscape of your relationship.
Psychologically, when a partner fails to intervene, it can be interpreted as an emotional abandonment, triggering feelings of anger, disappointment, or sadness. While avoiding conflict in the moment might seem easier, these unresolved feelings can fester and manifest as resentment over time, creating distance between you. Understanding how to navigate such moments requires both partners to be attuned to each other's emotional well-being and to prioritize the relationship unit.
How you choose to address such a scenario speaks volumes about your communication style and your expectations for your partnership. Exploring your natural inclination can offer valuable insights into your relationship dynamics and highlight areas where communication and boundary-setting could be strengthened. Let's explore your approach to this common relationship dilemma.
The possible answers
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What the experts say
John Gottman
Relationship researcher, co-founder The Gottman Institute
“Loyalty to your partner, especially when managing relationships with your families of origin, is a key predictor of marital satisfaction and stability.”
Sue Johnson
Developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
“When pain is communicated in a way that asks for connection, the partner has the opportunity to respond. If it is communicated as an attack, it creates distance.”
Stan Tatkin
Clinical psychologist, founder of the PACT Institute
“In a couple's relationship, the number one priority should always be mutual security within the dyadic 'bubble', which implies supporting your partner against external interferences.”
Devil's advocate
Common objection
But criticising my partner right after I've been criticised doesn't seem like the best time to ask them for anything. Isn't that just adding fuel to the fire?
Why it falls short
While immediacy must be handled with tact, addressing the situation in private and without direct accusations is crucial. It allows you both to process the event, reinforcing the idea that you are a team against external challenges and building a solid alliance.
This is just 1 of 100+ questions in the Couple Test
See how you two work together, based on Gottman's research. Free, 3 minutes.
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