You've been together for 15+ years and you're bored in the relationship, even though you still love them. You...

Why this situation matters

The possible answers

Tap the option you would choose

• A

  Suggest doing something new together, outside of your routine.

  Ideal answer. Why this is the ideal answer: Proposing new, shared activities is key to rekindling the spark. Arthur Aron's self-expansion theory suggests that couples remain connected and satisfied if they continue to expand their experiences and identities through the relationship. This approach combats boredom by strengthening the connection.
• B

  Keep quiet about it and start fantasizing about another life.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Silencing boredom and fantasizing about another life is a form of avoidance that gradually creates emotional distance. This strategy, in the medium term, often leads to increased resentment and, eventually, total disconnection, with no possibility of repair.
• C

  Blurt out 'you bore me' during an argument.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Attacking your partner with 'you bore me' during an argument is a destructive criticism, a tactic Gottman identifies as one of the Four Horsemen of the Relational Apocalypse. It erodes communication, destroys trust, and blocks any attempt at constructive resolution.
• D

  Dive into solo hobbies and disconnect.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Taking refuge in individual hobbies without addressing the underlying issue can increase personal autonomy, but at the expense of connection. While personal space is healthy, relying on it as the primary method to deal with prolonged boredom usually leads to drifting apart and diminished mutual interest.

What the experts say

• Arthur Aron

  Social Psychologist, Stony Brook University

  “Love stays alive when couples engage in new and exciting activities together.”

• John Gottman

  Relationship Researcher, The Gottman Institute

  “Criticism is one of the most damaging predictors of relationship breakdown.”

• Esther Perel

  Psychotherapist, Author

  “Boredom is often a signal that we have forgotten how to cultivate mystery, novelty, and desire in the relationship.”

Devil's advocate

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