You get home exhausted and find the living room wall painted with permanent marker. Your 6-year-old looks at you in silence. You…

Why this situation matters

The possible answers

Tap the option you would choose

• A

  Shout, “What have you done?!” and send them to their room.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Shouting and sending the child to their room (without further guidance) often activates their primitive brain, hindering learning. The focus shifts from the mistake to fear and guilt, and they learn to avoid punishment rather than take responsibility.
• B

  Take a breath, say “This isn’t okay; let’s clean it up together.”

  Ideal answer. Why this is the ideal answer: This option combines the necessary firmness to set clear boundaries about the behavior with the warmth and support to guide the child toward repair. Unacceptable behavior requires a clear response and a logical, natural consequence, not an arbitrary punishment.
• C

  Clean it yourself while they play; you’ll talk about it tomorrow.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Cleaning it yourself while they play deprives them of the opportunity to understand the consequence of their actions and to participate in the repair. This can lead to a lack of self-awareness about the impact of their actions and an expectation that others will solve their problems.
• D

  Say, “Well, you’re an artist!” and take a picture for Instagram.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Minimizing the incident or even 'celebrating' it conveys to the child that there are no boundaries or responsibilities. This can lead to confusion about what is acceptable and what isn’t, and a lack of respect for rules and their environment.

What the experts say

• Diana Baumrind

  Developmental Psychologist, University of California, Berkeley

  “Authoritative parents set high expectations and clear boundaries, but also offer support and warmth.”

• Adele Faber y Elaine Mazlish

  Family Communication Experts, authors of 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk'

  “Natural and logical consequences are more effective than punishment. Invite cooperation in problem-solving.”

• Daniel Siegel

  Neuropsychiatrist and Parenting Expert, UCLA

  “Integrating 'no' with 'yes' (setting limits with empathy) helps develop internal self-discipline.”

Devil's advocate

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