Your 6-year-old tells you 'I hate you' because you've said no to ice cream before dinner. You...

Why this situation matters

The possible answers

Tap the option you would choose

• A

  'Well, sometimes I hate you too' (jokingly or not)

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Saying 'sometimes I hate you too' introduces a power dynamic or an ambiguous 'joke' that confuses the child about the seriousness of her words and the firmness of the boundary. It can escalate the conflict or make the child feel dismissed.
• B

  'I understand you're upset. It's still a no.'

  Ideal answer. Why this is the ideal answer: This is the authoritative response, setting clear and firm boundaries while validating the child's emotions. It reinforces that frustration is acceptable, but the limit is non-negotiable. As Haim Ginott taught, validating a feeling is not the same as giving in to a desire.
• C

  You give her the ice cream so she doesn't get angry.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Giving in to the ice cream to avoid anger teaches the child that verbal aggression is an effective strategy to get what she wants. It undermines your authority and the child's ability to manage frustration, a pillar of emotional growth, as noted by Diana Baumrind's research on permissive parenting styles.
• D

  You go to your room, hurt.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Retiring to your room hurt transforms the situation into a personal drama and teaches the child that her words have disproportionate power to hurt you. This approach avoids confrontation but does not solve the underlying problem or teach the child to manage her own emotions.

What the experts say

• Diana Baumrind

  Developmental Psychologist, University of California, Berkeley

  “The authoritative parenting style is associated with children who have higher social competence, maturity, and self-esteem.”

• Haim Ginott

  Child psychologist and author

  “Emotions must be expressed in words, not in actions. Validating emotions opens the door to cooperation.”

• Daniel Siegel

  Neuroscientist and child psychiatrist

  “Connect and redirect helps to integrate children's intense emotions with rational thought.”

Devil's advocate

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