You've been together for many years. Your partner brings up a topic from years ago that hurt you and was never resolved. You...

Why this situation matters

The possible answers

Tap the option you would choose

• A

  Open up to genuinely discuss it, even if it's uncomfortable

  Ideal answer. Why this is the ideal answer: Addressing unresolved issues, no matter how uncomfortable, is crucial for relationship health. Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) highlights that 'raw spots' (old wounds) must be processed so they don't continue to affect the connection. It's an opportunity for repair and mutual understanding.
• B

  "That's ancient history, leave it alone."

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Saying 'That's ancient history' is a form of avoidance that, while creating short-term peace, doesn't solve the underlying problem. This avoidance accumulates resentment and frustration in the couple, preventing the wound from healing and potentially resurfacing more forcefully in the future. It can lead to progressive emotional disconnection.
• C

  Bring up one of your own old issues in return

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Bringing up an old issue in return creates a destructive escalation, where the focus shifts from repair to self-protection and criticism. This erodes trust and emotional safety, leaving both parties feeling attacked and unheard, which Jon Gottman calls 'the four horsemen of the apocalypse' for a couple.
• D

  Cry but don't say anything

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Crying without verbalizing your feelings is a form of passive avoidance that leaves your partner in the dark. While your emotions are valid, your partner lacks the necessary information to understand you and offer comfort or a solution. This generates confusion and emotional distance, as the problem remains unaddressed.

What the experts say

• Sue Johnson

  Creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

  “Painful emotions are signals telling us something important about our needs for connection.”

• John Gottman

  Relationship research psychologist

  “Ignoring problems doesn't make them disappear; it only makes them grow in the dark.”

• John Bowlby

  Psychoanalyst and psychiatrist, attachment theory

  “Relationship security is built by addressing and resolving ruptures, not avoiding them.”

Devil's advocate

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