Your 17-year-old comes home from a party. They smell of alcohol. They're walking fine and you picked them up in their friend's dad's car (the friend wasn't driving). You...

Why this situation matters

The possible answers

Tap the option you would choose

• A

  Yell at them the moment they walk in, without listening to anything.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: An immediate shouting match, without space for the teenager's perspective, usually generates defensiveness and resentment, closing off any possibility of future communication and learning. It cements a pattern of conflict avoidance.
• B

  Send them to bed; you'll talk calmly tomorrow.

  Ideal answer. Why this is the ideal answer: Addressing alcohol consumption with a teenager at the exact moment it occurs is rarely productive. It's more effective to postpone the conversation to a calm moment for both parties, allowing for a reflective dialogue about boundaries and expectations.
• C

  "Well, at least they weren't driving."

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Minimising or ignoring alcohol consumption sends a message of implicit approval, which can raise the perception that the behaviour is acceptable and without consequences, increasing future risks for a still-developing brain.
• D

  Call the friend’s parents at 3 AM.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Contacting other parents in the middle of the night is a disproportionate intrusion that undermines the teenager's trust and autonomy, in addition to inappropriately and ineffectively shifting parental responsibility.

What the experts say

• Laurence Steinberg

  Professor of Psychology, Temple University

  “Conversations about complex topics with adolescents are most effective when held during calm moments, not in the midst of a crisis.”

• Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

  Authors of 'How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk'

  “Empathetic listening before setting limits is crucial for opening dialogue with young people.”

• Diana Baumrind

  Developmental Psychologist

  “An authoritative parenting style balances demands with responsiveness, seeking the appropriate time and manner for discipline and dialogue.”

Devil's advocate

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