Your 15-year-old daughter arrives home an hour late from an outing and didn't answer her phone. You...

Why this situation matters

The possible answers

Tap the option you would choose

• A

  Tell her off the moment she walks in, then ground her next weekend.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: An immediate telling-off creates reactivity and shuts down communication, preventing the teenager from learning from the situation. Punishment disconnected from the moment dilutes its effectiveness as an educational tool, often causing resentment rather than reflection.
• B

  "We'll talk calmly tomorrow"; the next day, you agree on what happens next time.

  Ideal answer. Why this is the ideal answer: Prioritizing calm allows for a constructive conversation. Agreeing on consequences and strategies together fosters autonomy and responsibility, key elements in adolescence for building a relationship of mutual trust.
• C

  "You gave me quite a fright!" And that's it.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Minimizing the situation validates irresponsible behavior, signaling to the teenager that rules aren't important. This can lead to an escalation of risky behaviors as they perceive no clear boundaries or consequences for their actions.
• D

  Pretend to be asleep.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Avoiding conflict sends a passive message that the behavior doesn't matter or that you're unwilling to address the situation. The teenager learns they can disregard rules without repercussions, eroding parental authority and the child's safety.

What the experts say

• Laurence Steinberg

  Prof. of Psychology, Temple Univ.

  “Authoritative parents, 'who set clear and reasonable limits, but are also loving and responsive,' raise the most socially competent and successful adolescents.”

• Daniel Siegel

  Clinical Neuropsychiatrist

  “Connection and open communication are fundamental for adolescent brain development, allowing for emotional integration and more mature decision-making.”

• Adele Faber

  Co-author 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...'

  “Starting a conversation with reproaches is the quickest way to ensure your child becomes defensive and refuses to listen.”

Devil's advocate

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