You accidentally find messages on their phone suggesting they're trying alcohol on weekends. You…

Why this situation matters

The possible answers

Tap the option you would choose

• A

  Confront them with the messages: "I've read your chats."

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Directly confronting them with 'I've read your chats' is a clear violation of privacy. It breeds resentment, damages trust, and shuts down any future communication, pushing the teenager to be more secretive. Studies, such as those by Judith Smetana, show that invading privacy leads to more deception.
• B

  Bring up the topic generally, without revealing you've read anything.

  Ideal answer. Why this is the ideal answer: Addressing the topic of alcohol indirectly allows for open dialogue without causing shame or challenging the teenager's autonomy, which is crucial for them to trust and open up. This prevents conflict escalation and fosters long-term communication.
• C

  Let it pass; it's just a phase.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Ignoring the situation takes a permissive stance, implying to the teenager that alcohol consumption is acceptable. It fails to set clear boundaries or offer guidance on the risks, which can lead to unsupervised and risky behaviors. Rebecca Schlegel has researched the negative effects of permissiveness.
• D

  Start checking their phone daily from now on.

  Not the ideal one. Why this falls short: Daily phone checks destroy any foundation of trust and autonomy. It creates constant surveillance that the teenager will perceive as an extreme intrusion, fostering rebellion and secrecy rather than preventing undesirable behaviors. Dishion and McMahon (1998) already highlighted how excessive monitoring can be counterproductive in adolescence.

What the experts say

• Laurence Steinberg

  Developmental Psychologist, U. Temple

  “Parents who maintain their adolescent's psychological autonomy are more likely to have children who report closer relationships and more parental support.”

• John Gottman

  Psychologist and Relationship Researcher

  “Trust is built with small gestures. Intrusion destroys it.”

• Gordon Neufeld

  Developmental Psychologist

  “When the bond with the adult is strong enough, the adolescent seeks guidance and does not evade it.”

Devil's advocate

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